It can be a peculiar experience travelling on the bus.  You may end up sat next to a talkative halitosis sufferer or someone listening to “death metal” on their iPod at top volume.  You may even doze off and miss your stop.  But how do you even know it’s your stop if you’re blind...?

Many bus companies up and down the UK are already taking this problem seriously.  In London, Edinburgh, Nottingham, Leicester and Swindon they are trialling so-called “Talking Buses”.  Our trains have been talking to us for years, so it’s surprising buses haven’t done so before.  But what exactly is a “Talking Bus”?

WHY CAN’T BUSES BE MORE LIKE TRAINS?

Well, we’re used to announcements on trains saying the likes of, “This is the 07:32 from Penzance to Edinburgh.  Your next stop is Exeter St David’s” and so on.  We even have announcements on the platform telling us how they apologise for the lateness of the next train and how it was caused by a woodlouse sneezing on the line.

So why do we generally not get the same service with buses?  Wouldn’t it be marvellous for those whose sight is impaired, to be sat there and hear, “You’re on the 43b to the High Street, your next stop is the Tesco superstore”...?  Not only do you know you’re on the correct bus (which is helpful) but you know you need to get ready to ding the bell and get off if it’s your stop.

NOT JUST THERE FOR THE BAD THINGS IN LIFE

As we mentioned earlier, there are a few cities doing this sort of thing but what other uses can audio on buses serve?  Well for a start, bus stations could announce arrivals and departures the same as train stations.  This could also be useful for bus news, offers, changes to timetables and even entertainment.  One particular bus station even notoriously broadcasts Barry Manilow into the night to deter troublesome youths from hanging around.

On the buses themselves, the most important issue is to keep passengers informed of which stops are coming up.  However, once again the time between announcements could be used up with news, offers and paid for community and business events coming up in the area.  There could even be announcements at the bus stops as to which bus is arriving and its estimated time of arrival.

HOW WOULD STAN & JACK COPE?

In fact, when you think about it the possibilities are endless.  Well, not quite endless.  But you see what we mean.  If someone could come up with a device to mute iPods from a discreet distance, that would be handy too.  Although imagine if this cropped up on an episode of “On the Buses”...

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS 1970s HUMOUR...

Voice: [Female on speaker] The next stop is the gas works.

Stan carries on without stopping.  Blakey rings the bell.

Blakey: Stop!  Stop!  Stop!

Bus stops and Stan gets out and walks to the entrance at the back of the bus where Blakey and Jack are.

Stan: What are you ringing the bell like that for?

Blakey: You were supposed to stop at the gas works?  Didn’t you hear the announcement?

Stan: Blimey, I can’t hear a thing up there with the engine and the traffic.

Blakey: Well, there was a little old lady passenger who wanted to get off there.  Harper should have rang the bell for you to stop then.

Jack: Oi, oi, oi!  As Union Representative, I’m here to tell you that I don’t take no orders from no woman.

Blakey: Oh, are we back to that nonsense again?  The announcements are there for the benefit of the passengers.  When she tells you to stop, you should stop.

Stan: Blimey, that’ll be a first.  The type of birds he goes out with don’t stop ‘til they’ve gone all the way!

Stan and Jack laugh.

Blakey: Oh, you pair of lecherous morons.  I ‘ate you, Butler.

PLEASE NOTE: STAN & JACK WERE LATER ARRESTED FOR CRIMES AGAINST POLITICAL CORRECTNESS


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